This right here has been my biggest inspiration to be a writer. I remember when this article came out, and my family sat at the table while my mom read it out loud--it's even funnier out loud--with many dramatic pauses and artistic flair. We busted our guts laughing because it could have been us who said these things and had these things happen.
My dad would quip about nice brown cows when we had a animal that was misbehaving. We also had self feeders, and he would say "need to push feed down self feeder" all the time. For weeks, months, even years after the article came out, it was still a part of our family's lexicon.
Over the years, when I would write something and end up doubting myself, this article would come back to me and remind me that there is an audience for agriculture humorous essays. This article was what kept me from chucking everything I wrote into a trash can.
You might know that I recently pleaded with my Facebook peeps to help me connect with Vicky because I couldn't remember her last name. When I was given her name, I contacted her to let her know how much this article has meant to me for more than half of my life. And to ask for a copy of it, which she kindly sent to me last week.
As I read it out loud to Captain (yes, with dramatic pauses and artistic flair, just like my mama) we both were laughing until we cried, and more than a handful of times we both said, "That could be us!" The silo unloader thing...I can totally relate!!
Friends, I hope you enjoy this as much as I have and do. It's a keeper!!
Hugs,
Jude
Monday
Milked cows. Fed the pigs. Pushed feed down the self-feeder. Dead steer in feed lot. Looks like bloat. Must be something it ate. Called vet. Took trailer load of steers to Zumbrota Sales Barn. Steers down a dollar. Bought nice brown cow for $400. Put nice brown cow in with other cows. Vet here. Wants to talk to me. Vet said steer bloated, must’ve been something it ate. Paid vet $16.
Pushed feed down self-feeder. Called banker and asked about a $50,000 loan. Banker laughed. I didn’t. Put nice brown cow back in pasture with other cows. Fixed fence. Weaned pigs from two sows. Wired up gate between them. Ground four batches of feed. Poked each batch out of mixer. Sows in with little pigs; knocked gate down. Nailed 2x6 across pen. Got nice brown cow in. Fixed fence. Starting to snow. Milked cows. Pushed feed down self-feeder. Sows ate through 2x6. Locked them out of hog house.
Tuesday
Must have snowed all night. Milked cows. Cow not eating and not acting right. Must be ketosis. Called vet. Pushed feed down self-feeder. Shoveled snow out of bunks. Sows broke into hog house. Put baby pigs n chicken coop. Scooped snow out of driveway. Broke hose on loader tractor. Changed clothes. Used snowmobile to get nice brown cow in. Untangled electric fence wire from track. Fixed fence. Pushed feed down self-feeder. Vet here. Says cow not eating or acting right. Must be ketosis. Watch her, if it gets worse call him. Paid vet $16.
Neighbor called; nice brown cow in his pasture. Sold nice brown cow to neighbor for $350. We both fixed fence. Teenage daughter’s car won’t start. Froze up from running in ditch other night. Put knipco heater on it. Fed pigs. Started cleaning barn. Daughter running and screaming. Car on fire, smoke coming from under hood. Daughter called fire department. I run to house. Garden hose froze up. Grab fire extinguisher. Hood won’t open. Run for wrecking bar. Wrecking bar won’t open hood. Run to shed for tractor…run back to shed for log chain. Pulled car away from house as fire department arrived.
Back to cleaning barn. Manure spreader froze up. Put knipco heater on spreader. Pushed feed down self-feeder. Checked on pigs. Rendering truck here for dead steer. Tire blown out on froze up manure spreader – got too hot. Called Apple’s Tire service (in Millville) for new tire. Prompt service. Finished barn chores. Pushed feed down self-feeder.
Wednesday
Ground hog didn’t see his shadow today. How could he – we never have sunshine anymore. Milked as usual. Pushed feed down self-feeder. Nice brown cow in my pasture. Called neighbor. Nobody home. Put brown cow in – fixed fence. Baby pigs have scours. Guess feed is too rich. Called vet. Sow farrowed 14 pigs! Hook up heat lamp with extension cord. Hog prices up $1.50. Banker called to say my note was due. I laughed, he didn’t. Pushed feed down self-feeder. Broke spring on the loader as I finished scooping last of the snow. Called Greenline.
Talked kids into finishing chores tonight. Going to treat the wife to supper at Clayt’s Supper Club in Plainview. Vet came, says pigs have scours. Feed must be too rich. Paid vet $16. Called neighbor. Nice brown cow in my pasture. Pushed feed down the self-feeder. Time to get ready to go out. Greenline here to pick up loader tractor. Neighbor here to get nice brown cow. Milkman is late; he slid off the edge of driveway while leaving. Helped one kid out of self-feeder and then helped the other one milk a kicky heifer. Boy am I late! Wife mad. Canned soup for supper.
Thursday
Didn’t sleep good last night. Cats fighting under bedroom window all night. Holy cow! Cats must have been fighting in barn last night—three cows with stepped-on teats. Finally finished milking. Pushed feed down self-feeder. Shipped load of pigs to Zumbrota Sales Barn. Hogs down $4 today. Sow loose in hog barn. Chewed through extension cord. Ripped pants on hog house door. Sheared the wife’s 12 ewe’s this morning. Paid shearer $24, got $21.50 for wool. Went to Wabasha and signed up 50% in the PIK program. Paid income tax. Hope I live to Social Security. Bought new extension cord and hip boots for wife. Socialized with neighbors. Late getting home. Wife started chores. Wife pushed feed down self-feeder. Wife put nice brown cow back in neighbor’s pasture. Couldn’t get fence working. Wife also got silo unloader stuck. I climbed the silo. Dig, dig, dig. Tell wife to put unloader on. Yell at wife four times to turn silo unloader off. Unplug silo unloader up top. Wife says she can’t hear me with 60 head of hungry youngstock bellering in one ear and silo unloader running in the other.
Late getting milking done. Still have to fix the fence. Took pickup, flashlight, and wife out to fix fence. Chased brown cow over to neighbor’s side. Wife plugged in fence before fence is fixed. Quiet ride back to house. Wife looking in the book. Says there must be some words in there I forgot to call her today. Watched 10 o’clock news. IRS is trying to figure out how to tax farmers twice in the PIK program.
Friday
Greenline brought loader tractor back this morning. Total bill is 282.65--$280 for labor and $2.65 for parts, including tax. Cows with stepped-on teats all have mastitis. Called vet. Bought nice brown cow from neighbor for $375. Maybe she’ll stay in my pasture now. She’s looking a little peaked. Pushed feed out. Got my annual letter from Wabasha County Treasurer. Land values went down. My taxes went up! Think I’ll pay half of what they’re worth—just like I get for my products.
Extension Agent stopped today. Says I should plant black walnut trees on the “80” instead of corn. Says in 40 years they’ll be worth a fortune. I tell him how to find his way off the place. Banker called, said my note was past due. Nobody laughed. Sent check. Vet here. Pushed feed down self-feeder. Vet says three cows have mastitis. Paid vet $16. Says he’ll send bill for the mastitis tubes. And don’t forget to dump the milk away!
Family wants to go to the basketball game. Everybody helps to do chores. Help kid out of self-feeder. Chores done. I’m the last in the shower. Hot water all gone again!
Saturday
Nice brown cow had twin calves in pasture last night. Carried them to the barn. Twin calves looking peaked. Called vet. Pushed feed down self-feeder. Pickup won’t start. Need a pull. Banker called, said he might give me the loan if the cattle prices would go up. I laughed; he did too. Loader tractor broke down again. Can’t get a decent station on the radio.
While putting cows back in the barn this morning, heifer slipped on sloppy cement. Totally splashed wife. I only see blinking white eyeballs. I stifle it. Offer my red hanky to wife. Bedded pole barns. Bedding supply mighty low. Vet here. Says peaked looking cow usually has peaked looking twin calves. Paid vet $30--$10 each.
Wife stuck in mud closing gate. Throw her a rope. Use tractor and loader to get wife out. Hose barefoot wife off outside milkhouse. Said I could have used warm water. Wife mad. Guess I won’t get pickup started today. Retrieve hip boots next July.
OPEC countries having a gas war. Yippee! Gas prices dropping. Governor going to put more tax on gas. No yippee! Prices go up because we use too much. Then prices go up because we conserve. Now more taxes. What next? Block is putting 50 cents tax on milk, that’s what’s next! Fix that—I’ll go to Zumbrota Tuesday and buy more milk cows.
Sunday
Late for church again. Sermon same as a month ago. Fell asleep. Wife elbowed me. Banged my head on the support post. People turned and looked at me. Wife mad. Had popcorn for dinner. Sent little kids with big kids to a movie this afternoon. House very quiet. Whoopee! Chores as usual the rest of the day. Hit the sack early for another busy week. Night honey, I love you.
Now I lay me down to sleep
Please watch o’er my cattle, pigs, and sheep
Lord I hate to be one to complain
So I’ll gladly take all this rain
‘Stead of something a whole lot worse
Like crops and cattle dying of thirst
And with my family I hope you stay
Guide each one so he does not stray
When from this farming I depart
Ever thankful, How Great Thou Art
Amen
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