Current debate and theory says that mothers are the nurturing part of the parenting duo. I want to take a minute to point out that this does not mean that moms are pushovers or doormats.
When I was growing up, Dad could lay down rules all he wanted and while we would generally listen, it was Mom who had the power. As a mother in my own right, I can see this is still true, and not just in my family. I have had countless friends say that their dads did a lot of barking, but it was their moms who struck fear and respect when they spoke.
I have wondered why this is so universally true, and I can’t say that I have come up with a concrete answer in general, but at my house, it is because I choose my battles. Well, that and the fact that my voice can carry at 85 decibels for half a mile.
When Young Man was preschool age, he got it in his head that he wanted to sleep in the bathtub one night. My reaction was: Fine, here’s a pillow and a blanket; see you in the morning. Captain, on the other hand, acted like this would bring the world to a screeching halt. Captain is a great stickler for following rules. In his mind, they don’t bend; they just get broken. This is true in some situations, but not all. Some things are not negotiable, i.e. stealing, lying, and cheating. However, a lot of things are negotiable, like sleeping in the bathtub.
The problem with making an issue out of small things is that everything becomes a battle so that when a major issue crops up, the kids just tune their dad out because he turns everything into a power play.
I am no great shakes as a parent and have made more mistakes than a lot of parents. It isn’t even that I am a patient person. I simply do not have the time or energy to fight about non-issues. Maybe that’s why when I do take a stand, my kids pay attention.
When Young Man was a teenager, with all the joys and trials that brings, school-related behavior was a chosen battle because, hey, you need an education to survive in adulthood. His sophomore year in high school was horrible. He decided shop class was much more fun than health class was, and he got busted for skipping. Now….what to do about it?
Oh, those parenting mistakes I mentioned? Public embarrassment is my forte, and I have it down to a science. In this instance, unbeknownst to Young Man, I took a day off from work and went to school. I arrived ahead of him so I could speak with the principal about the problem and what my solution was. I received a copy of Young Man’s schedule and proceeded to his first-hour class. There was an empty desk for me, so I was seated when he walked into class. Oh, the double take and look of pure bafflement was priceless! It was nothing compared to the progressive frustration I saw on his face when he saw me in his next four class periods.
By that time, his friends were getting a large charge out of it, so I figured I’d made my point. I asked if he’d had enough, and he had. I asked if he wanted to go through it again, and he didn’t. So the final threat was that if he got busted for skipping again, not only would I be right back in his classes with him…I would bring his Gramma. I am pleased to say that his attendance record during his junior year was nearly perfect.
Captain and I are not the kind of parents who side with the kid against the teacher. In this house, if you are in trouble at school you are in double trouble at home, and we might actually be the ones to rat the kid out to the school.
For instance, shortly after we joined the cellular world, I got a text message from Princess asking if she could go to a friend’s house after school. No, you can’t. Another text, same answer. Repeat three more times. It finally dawned on me that she was texting in class. Hmmmm...what to do?
I picked up the phone and called the school and asked for that teacher’s room. They connected me to the teacher and I told him who I was.
“Why, yes, Mrs. Brogan, how are you?”
“Dandy, thanks. Hey, Mr. Teacher, Princess is texting in your class. Go take her phone away, please.”
Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle. “Okay, can do!”
Lesson to be learned here: Don’t mess with Mama.
As I look back at the years of parenting, I realize that Captain and I faced each episode with a different approach so that when one of us made a mistake, the other one was there to pick up the ball. The upside? Our kids turned into really awesome adults!
I like the idea of the parent ratting the kid out to the school. I have done similar, though less dramatic things. I got the school principal to watch my daughter when she was at a school dance with her first boyfriend. He actually called me during the evening to tell me exactly how many inches were between my daughter and her date on the dance floor! And we had the school hold our son to his academic eligibility requirements even though it meant he got pulled from the school play in which he had the lead.
ReplyDeleteYour last paragraph screams at me that your cooperation was what made you successful as parents: In the end, you agreed on your goals, raising good adults, and you backed one another up. Huzzah!