I just can't do it. If there is something in my head or in my heart, it is going to show up on my face and there will be no doubts at all as to what I'm thinking or feeling.
Bigger inherited this inability to lie well from me. The trouble is, he thinks he can lie very well. What's his tell, you might ask? He'll repeat the question.
For instance, should I be meandering through the family room in the basement on my way to the laundry room, I see a cereal bowl on the floor with a spoon in it, remnants of some sort of sugary breakfast food, and dried up milk that is now drawing flies like a corpse. No one eats down there but Bigger, so I know he is the one who left it there. The deal is he can eat down there as long as he picks up after himself.
So I ask him the next time I see him:
Me: Reg, why is there any empty cereal bowl in the basement?
Bigger: Why is there an empty cereal bowl in the basement?
Bigger: Why is there an empty cereal bowl in the basement?
Me: Yes, why is there an empty cereal bowl in the basement?
Bigger: I dunno.
And this would be when the fangs come out and we have a come to Jesus talk about cleanliness and respect.
Turns out this must be an inherited trait because on Saturday when I was in my office doing homework and Cubby was in the kitchen supposedly doing a small science experiment, all of a sudden I heard the step stool drag across the floor and cupboard doors start opening. I knew this couldn't be good because she knows she isn't supposed to be up in those cupboards.
Me: Cubby, what are you doing?
Cubby: What am I doing?
Me: Yes, what are you doing?
Cubby: Nothing.
See the pattern here??
Now Captain, he is only slightly better at the dishonesty thing. Either one of two things happens. He either starts smirking/giggling/grinning or he wrinkles his nose.
The first is when I catch him in a prank. Like telling me that something that my gullible self believes for 2.5 seconds and then I clue in. When I do and ask him if he's fibbing, I get the smirk/giggle/grin thing.
If it's more serious than that, such as...let's say he left the cooking tongs on the grill for the 987th time this summer. Then I get the nose wrinkle thing.
Me: Dude, you left the tongs on the grill AGAIN!
Captain (wrinkling nose): I didn't use the tongs.
Me: Buddy, I haven't cooked in 5-1/2 months; it had to be you!
At this point, I repeat the Serenity Prayer to myself because obviously he is not going to start picking up the tongs at this late stage of life so I either need to pick up after him myself and be quiet about it or leave them lay out there because catching him in the fib and calling him on the carpet isn't getting me anywhere.
At least I know he's telling the truth when he says I'm his favorite spouse!
