Before and After

Once again our lives have been divided into before and after.  This time it is before cancer and after cancer.

I have done my mammograms faithfully on time.  I even started early due to not knowing my family history.  You’d think you would be rewarded for being diligent, not punished.  

I’ve even been called back for second films once before, so when they called me back for second films this time, I wasn’t overly concerned.  In fact, while I was waiting in that nasty three-hole gown, there was another lady next to me who was clearly distraught by being called back.  I did the best I could to calm her down and offered to pray for her.  I never saw her again, but I hope that she is not now going through what I am going through.  

I didn’t start to get nervous until I got done with the second films, and they told me to get dressed and wait to be taken to a consultation room.  The radiology resident was very nice and explained that I needed to have a biopsy because they just needed to be certain what these areas of concern were all about.

The biopsy was as unpleasant as anything I’ve ever experienced.  Even my colonoscopy wasn’t that bad.  Imagine someone stretching a thick rubber band between their thumb and first finger, pulling it back like a slingshot, and then letting it fly right against...well....a very sensitive and prominent area of your breast.  It’s okay, I’ll wait while you cringe.  

I’d never been so glad to be done with something as I was to be done with the biopsy.  That was on a Wednesday, and the radiologist said that the pathology report would be available maybe on Friday, but probably on Monday.  Joy and rapture.  

Friday came and went with no word, so it hung over us like a black cloud all weekend.  Despite that, Captain and I did have an enjoyable weekend.  We even went on a picnic to Frontenac State Park on Sunday and enjoyed beautiful scenery and time together.  Still, we were both pretty twitchy and anxious.

Monday morning rolled around, and then Monday noon rolled around, and then it got to be mid afternoon and I couldn’t take it anymore, so I called my primary doctor’s nurse line and asked for the results.  Well, they weren’t done yet, and more alarm bells went off in my head.  The nurse said she would get someone to read the films right away and get back to me.  

Forty-five minutes later, our lives changed.  The nurse called to say that the two (out of three) areas they biopsied were positive for cancer.  The big fancy medical term for it is ductal carcinoma in situ.  In Medical Terminology For Dummies, that apparently means there are cancer cells in the milk ducts but not spread to anywhere else in the breast.

I consider myself a person of strong faith, but I had to wonder...why me?  What was I going to do?  How was I going to tell my kids?  Basically I went into WTF mode.  

Captain wasn’t home, but I called him and he came.  I am here to tell you, he has been A ROCK.  It made me realize all over again why I fell in love and married him.  Love that guy.

We made some phone calls and gave the people who needed to know a heads up.  Pretty much we upended a bunch of other lives in a matter of minutes.  

After doing what we needed to do, we both said later that our brains just shut off.  I seriously would catch myself just staring at the wall having absolutely no thought whatsoever going on in my head and not knowing if I’d been sitting like that for seconds or several minutes.  

A couple of nights later, a good friend came to visit.  When she asked if she could bring anything, I told her something with chocolate and caramel.  She showed up with caramel M&M’s and a sea salt caramel pie.  Who could ask for a better gal pal than that.  She let me cry on her shoulder, stare into space, talk about other stuff...whatever I needed to do.  Love that girl!

The kids came over Tuesday night for some Mama time.  They are so funny.  When I explained to them that I would probably have to have a mastectomy, Molly’s first question was if I was going to have a double mastectomy.  Yes, I will.  Her next question was if I was going to have reconstruction in a bigger size.

Well yes, I think I should get some benefit out of all this crap so I’m gonna go big or go home.  Molly and Young Man looked at each other for a nanosecond, grabbed their smart phones and said, “Let’s find Mom new boobs!”  That’s the kind of kids I raised...always looking to find the positive!

Captain and I are both doers.  We like to fix stuff.  We need information and answers, so waiting from Monday afternoon to this morning was pure unadulterated hell.  

Today is better because we have some answers and the start of a plan.  The bad news was that a simple lumpectomy, as we thought, was not going to be an option; rather it would be a mastectomy, and I opted for double mastectomy because, really...who needs ‘em?.  While having both breasts removed does not in any way, shape, or form affect outcome or longevity in the long-run, it would bring me the peace of mind I need by knowing that I would never have to put my family through this again.

The good news is that because they are nearly 100% certain the lymph nodes are not involved, I will not need radiation at all.  Because the cancer has not spread anywhere else, I will not need chemotherapy.  Because the cancer is not driven by either estrogen or progesterone, I will not need hormone therapy.

I just need the surgery.  Which I was hoping could be scheduled next week.  You know what they say about the best laid plans…

So I have more appointments in July and August to see a breast surgeon and a plastic surgeon.  After that, we will have a firm timeline on the plan, and I think that’s when I will really start to feel at least a little more at ease.  

In the handbook that every breast cancer patient is given, they talk about self-care and coping methods.  One of the big ones was writing it all down.  How lucky for me that writing is what I enjoy most.  Please know that I am writing about it not as a bid for sympathy or as a means to get attention.  Trust me on this, I would rather not be writing about this at all, but it is the best means of coping that I have in my arsenal.

I would please ask you to pray for us as we head into the journey of cancer survivorship.  We know absolutely that God is with us and has a plan, but prayers are never a bad thing.  

Love to you all!

Images used:

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