I Speak Fluent Sarcasm

In the course of my life, I have sometimes been described as rude, abrasive, and bitchy.  Sometimes those were accurate statements.  Sometimes, I was just excessively sarcastic and got mislabeled.

The sarcasm must be an inherent trait, because neither one of my parents had it.  In my recent tip-toeings around Pinterest, I found several posts that said the Aquarius zodiac sign was notoriously sarcastic, so I'll blame it on that.

Most of the time, I am sarcastic when adding side comments to a  story that I am telling.  

So this idiot passed me in a no-passing zone and I was like "So you think that five seconds you just risked your life and mine for is going to what...make you famous?"

If we are watching Big Bang Theory or Friends, I laugh more at the sarcasm than anything else because my theory is:

I don't recommend sarcasm as a means of deliberating hurting someone's feelings; that's just mean.  If I were going to liken it to cooking, I would say sarcasm shouldn't be the salt that you splash on every aspect of your food.  It should be your cayenne pepper that you use with judicious caution because some spice is good, but too much gives you indigestion.  

Most times I keep it in my head because, well, you can't go around blasting everyone.  F'rinstance...one day not long after Young Man got married and started his new life, we were talking and he said, "Mom, you have no idea how expensive laundry soap is!"

Bite your tongue...bite your tongue...say it in your head:  You're right, I have no idea because in 25 years of marriage and motherhood, I have never once done a load of laundry.  The laundry elves always magically had that taken care of for me while I slept. I am so sorry that you have to deal with the nasty realities of life, my child.

I keep my sarcasm skills honed sharply just by interacting with Captain.  He makes it so stinking easy!

Captain is hard-wired to think the worst about any scenario.  If you want to know the absolute worst outcome on anything...ask Captain; he'll be able to tell you.

Me, I am eternally optimistic.  This creates some friction.

Early in our marriage--and remembering those comments about my personality--I would try to be Mrs. Warm Fuzzy when Captain was on a negative kick, and our conversation might go like this:

Captain:  The corn is planted.  It probably won't grow.
Me:  You can't think like that.  Of course it will grow.  You took all the right steps to make sure that there are as few weeds as possible, as much fertilizer as possible, asked questions of all the right experts, and did it as cost effectively as anyone else could have!

Didn't make a dent in his perceptions.  I tried, failed, and went back to my default so that our current conversations go more like this:

Captain:  The corn is planted.  It probably won't grow.
Me:  I'm sure you're right.  You have never planted corn in your life and have absolutely no clue what you're doing.  I'm sure there will be hail, fire, pestilence, and earthquakes...possibly a small civil war.  You'll be lucky to get one bushel off 300 acres.
Captain:  Your're mocking me aren't you?
Me:  Who me?  I would never do such a thing.

Even Captain's mom, who is in the top two of my favorite people, gets blasted sometimes.

Captain's mom:  I'm sure you guys are tired of helping me with [insert chore] all the time.
Me:  You're right, we can't stand you.  Helping you because we love you and it's the right thing to do has absolutely nothing to do with it.  

Maybe the only person who isn't persecuted by my sarcasm is Molly, and that's only because she inherited the art from me and gives as good as she gets.  If we ever did get into it, I'm not sure who I would put my money on!

Images from:
http://www.lovethispic.com/image/243882/heavy-sarcasm-may-be-present
https://instagr.in/p/1070198738259643091_1943090609
https://www.pinterest.com/source/minionsonly.com
http://ww4.soulmatelifequotes.com/kwrf=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2F#sthash.iqXWdPIC.qjtu
https://www.pinterest.com/source/minionsonly.com