My House Was Clean Last Week...Sorry You Missed It

I saw a wall hanging at Hobby Lobby one time that said, “My house was clean last week, sorry you missed it.”  This sums up my housecleaning creed.  Martha Stewart I am not.

Many of my friends have immaculate homes.  They move their furniture every week and vacuum under it.  Personally, I move my furniture to cover the dirt.  The only reasons for moving furniture are to locate a lost TV remote or to permanently vacate the premises.

I know people who wash their windows inside AND out—not biannually like I do—but quarterly.  Imagine that!  I try to claim that my windows are dirty because all the dust from the gravel road that runs past our house collects on the outside and just makes them look dirty.  Thankfully, no one ever questioned why there were little hand prints were on my windows back in the day.  

When someone (usually Captain) catches on to my evasion tactics and suggests I actually clean the outside of the windows, I can delay the chore indefinitely by 1) claiming it’s too cold outside or 2) claiming it’s too warm outside.  The second option always gave me the flexibility to claim parental quality time with my children because soon it would be too cold to play with them outside; or wash windows for that matter.

My sister-in-law is a cleaning fiend.  This woman vacuums her heat registers several times each year.  I had never heard of such a thing until I met her.  After I heard about it, I decided it was a waste of time because when the furnace is turned on, it will blow the dirt out of the register and into more easily accessible places to be sucked up by the vacuum cleaner.

An old, proud saying of many women is, “You could eat off my floor.”  I can shamefully say this too.  Princess used to sustain herself for two or three days with food she found on my floor.  When she was spending a lot of time in her walker, I would give her Cheerios on her walker tray.  She would get so excited and wave her hands so hard that Cheerios would fly everywhere.  Several days later, I’d see her on her tummy reaching under the couch, pulling out those Cheerios for a snack.

Captain does not nag or scold about my less-than-sterling housekeeping.  He is much more subtle than that.  When I recently had the time, energy, and inclination to dust my bookcase because I was on a summer vacation day, I found a message written in the dust:  January 17.  I thought this was a date he wanted to remember, so I decided not to disturb it, thereby freeing myself from another dreaded household chore.  I was quite deflated to learn that he had written that when he first noticed the dust piling up on the bookcase.

When well-intentioned people ask why I didn’t have my children help me do some cleaning, I quickly recited the Phyllis Diller quote that holds so much truth.  “Trying to clean your house while your children are growing is like trying to shovel your sidewalk while it’s still snowing.”  

Case in point:  When Young Man was about 5, I asked him to take his clean clothes upstairs and put them away.  Now, “away”—even to my dust-shrouded mind—means in the drawers.  Young Man interpreted “away” to mean “someplace else” and proceeded to transfer the clothes from the laundry room to the stairway.  When I suggested he actually take the clothes upstairs and put them “away,” he expanded his interpretation to mean “someplace else…where Mom can’t see them.”  I found them all piled on top of the dresser.  I didn’t belabor my point; at least they were out of MY sight.

You have heard about home that are decorated in an “early rustic” theme, right?  MY basement is decorated in early cobweb.  It would make a terrific spook house.  I can just imagine the visitors to our hot new tourist attraction ooohhhing and aaaahhhing over the authentic props we used.  This way I wouldn’t have to spend time cleaning the basement AND I could guarantee enough income from my authentic spook house to actually pay for a maid.  Of course, this would eliminate the income-generating spook house.

We have an open door policy around here, and we are happy to have company anytime...as long as you don’t care what state of cleanliness we are at.  I will always be able to find a clean coffee cup for you to use, and we’ll have a nice visit.  My policy has always been, and will always be:  If you are coming to see me, come anytime.  If you are coming to see my house, make an appointment.