Addicted

All of us have bad habits.  Some of us drive too fast.  Some of us leave lights on all over the house.  Some of us, I don’t know, hum under our breath constantly.

The bottom line is, since none of us is being scheduled to hang on a cross any time soon...we are none of us perfect.  

Bad habits are--well--bad enough, but sometimes things are more than a habit.  Sometimes things are an addiction.

Believe you me, there is an enormous difference between, say, a smoking habit and a smoking addiction.  Been there, doing that.  

I started smoking when I was 18.  Some of my friends smoked, and after buying cigarettes during a night out with them, I had some left the next morning.

I distinctly and clearly remember driving to work the next morning and thinking to myself, I’m going to learn to inhale these things if it kills me.

Ironic, right?  Because learning to do that could kill me.

I’ve quit countless times.  As in Every.Dang.Day.  Sometimes I even manage it for days...weeks...months at a time, but only if I have a nicotine patch on.  Seems I just can’t live without the stuff.  

Someone once told me “Just quit cold turkey.  That’s what I did, and it never bothered me.”  Then, my friend, you had a habit, not an addiction.  

See, a doctor once explained to me that the physical addiction/effects of nicotine are over after three days.  After that, it’s all psychological.  Let me tell you, pals of mine, fighting the psych is a helluva a lot harder than fighting the physical.  

I’m pretty sure that there is nobody reading this that is surprised by the news that I’m not a recovering nicoholic but, instead, am a frequently relapsing nicoholic.  Please don’t judge me.

Relapses are never planned in any fight against addiction.  They are triggered.  Addiction counselors will tell you to apply the HALT theory if and when an addiction/craving is triggered.  HALT stands for:  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  Those are all universal triggers for many addictions.  I could add to the above that it’s more like:  Hungry/Thirsty, Angry/Stressed, Lonely/Bored, Tired/Excited.

I haven’t won the war yet, but I am still fighting the battle.  Some days I win; some days I don’t.  But I figure that every cigarette I don’t smoke is a victory.  

That sounds like a justification/excuse, doesn’t it?  Probably it is, but if I don’t keep that in the front of my mind...I’ll just give up and go back to smoking full-time based on the theory of:  well, I screwed this up, so what’s the point in trying anymore.

I promised myself years ago I would never again smoke every single day.  I’ve kept that promise to myself.  

Now I need to make and keep a promise that I won’t smoke ANY day ever.  I’m working on it.  

My name is Jude, and I am a nicoholic.  

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